By Jordan Sapir
Only Dead Fish Go with the Flow read the text in bold on a tote bag. Oh, this will do! I grabbed four bags and a few cards and headed for the till. “That’ll be (insert some overpriced Euro equivalency),” says the clerk. I’m all ready for the party. My tri-sisters, as we like to call each other, have an annual “Swine” together. We coined the term and use it to describe coming together for a swim and a “whine.” We proudly explain to unknowing outsiders that it is a combination of the British slang word whinge and the aged grape wine. We generally celebrate birthdays, holidays, and milestones together. That day was no different. We came together to celebrate the upcoming holiday season. I thought it would be fun to personalize the bags with my teammates' names. Little did I know that we were headed for a year that would change our lives forever.
Fast forward a year.
There we sat, at a random canteen close to the Olympic Park swimming pool in Munich. Lockdown restrictions had loosened after the first wave, but we were headed for another quarantine. We were lucky enough to celebrate our most recent milestone--my fortieth birthday. Two new babies were born, jobs lost, contracts canceled, and kids distance learning from home, but we managed to meet up exactly a week before restrictions were tightened, for a Swine, to celebrate, well… me.
We sat there, each at an individual table, wearing our masks (generously sewn by one of us) that had arrived during quarantine through the post. Under normal circumstances, we would have played “pass around the baby” and ceremoniously hugged and kissed as we retold stories and adventures. There might have been a bit of whinging.
This celebration was a little more solemn. Sure, we were thrilled to see each other and happy to catch up, but we knew what was coming: an inevitable lockdown.
I opened my gifts and shed more tears than usual due to the over-the-hill climb. I was sad. I was tremendously overwhelmed by the thought that I hadn’t met their new babies the first weeks after birth. Saddened that their mothers and family couldn’t travel abroad to help out. Mostly, I just really needed a hug. We all did. It had been so long since we saw each other last, and we couldn’t embrace when we finally reunited.
Through the tears, I saw one of the women reach into the tote I’d given her last year.
Only Dead Fish Go with the Flow. It’s a catchphrase we’ve all heard. I thought it was funny because swimming and triathlon are what bonded us together. My level of swimming leaves a lot to be desired. Some would say that in a race scenario, I’m more likely to swim with the flow, but something resonated with me when I read it to myself this time around.
Finding your flow is so important and essential to self-growth.
What could prove to be more important this year than prioritizing myself? My home country is in turmoil. There is a major civil rights movement, a global pandemic. I live in a foreign country. I am raising two children under the age of seven, who are being homeschooled. All while running a business.
I looked around the room at my friends. At that moment, I decided on a few things. If I want to prioritize myself, I have to surround myself with people who respect my values, care about me and my well-being, and don’t make me feel like I’m difficult to love, or even like.
I am at the mercy of the world out there. A world filled with people who don’t have the same ethics, morals, values, or agenda as I do. What I have learned is that it is not my job to go with the flow. It is, however, my job to make sure I am prioritizing my belief system and standing up for what I value and hold dear. In order to prioritize those beliefs, I need to know them inside and out. I’m a visual person, so I wrote my values on small Post-It notes and put them in front of me. Now it was clear. Time to focus on finding my flow.
I started reading The Evolving Self: A Psychology for the Third Millennium by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. I know, a little morbid. The post-apocalyptic feeling of wearing a mask and quarantining set the perfect backdrop.
Csikszentmihalyi believes “we must free our minds of cultural illusions such as ethnocentric superiority or identification with one's possessions. He urges readers to find ways to reduce the oppression, exploitation, and inequality that are woven into the fabric of society.”
Eureka! I’m on track!
Isolation has brought my own logic full circle. My goals have expanded to activism, advocacy, the pursuit of feminism, and happiness.
Going with the flow is what dead fish do. I, however, (quite happy and fortunately) am alive. That has become ever-presently important to ascertain. I can’t afford to go with the flow. I can’t swim with the other fish. I have to fight the current and find my own flow.
“The simplest way to lose your soul is to go with the flow because the flow is naturally down. Only live fish can swim against the current.” -Anonymous
Csikszentmihalyi defines a “flow state, also known colloquially as being in the zone. A mental state, in which “a person performing some activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity.” That is exactly what I’ve been doing for years.
Csikszentmihalyi has just given me the motivation I need to continue. He says, “The best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile. Optimal experience is thus something we make happen.”
After kilometers upon kilometers running, swimming, and on my road bike, alone, spinning, I have realized that the intensity of my actions has led to my personal freedom from others' opinions of me. I have a new ability to not take bait from others whose negative actions are based on their own personal insecurities.
I have freed myself of petty interactions and learned to brush off injurious comments about me, my character, and my personal progress. My business is run the way I (and others who dedicate themselves to the cause) see fit. I raise my children the way that my partner and I have vowed to. I pursue, engage, and focus on my own personal growth and happiness.
I’ve come to terms with my new findings. Well, not so new, but I’ve validated my behavior with newfound information. I'm often contrite when it comes to self-care, not realizing that the much-needed seclusion is what has produced personal growth.
I have now realized that prioritizing myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally will only help me be a better mother, friend, and human being.
I am determined to create flow, not follow it.
Jordan Sapir
Jordan Sapir, mother of two glitter-laden girls, 4 and 6, studied Journalism and International Political Science in NYC, a place she once called home. She can slaughter five languages fluently. She has worked in a newsroom or two, walked a catwalk or three, and is all for an impromptu adventure. Having traded in her Prada for pretzels, the founder of Über Moms lives in Munich, where she is a stay at home mom and studying to become a certified nutritionist. She is a mommy on a mission and wants to help fellow mothers raise healthy happy families, and beat a PR here and there.