By Jennelle Liljestrand
As a therapist, I am not immune to the stresses that burden parents, not to mention the added uncertainties, changes, and isolation of the ongoing pandemic. When my parental stress peaked, I noticed I was tense, carried a huge sense of responsibility, felt it was always two against one (the twins against mom), and was constantly on edge, waiting for the additional hiccup that would push me over the edge. This chronic stress started impacting my sleep, so I couldn’t rest well even when the kids slept through the night.
I’ve always understood the research behind mindfulness, but haven’t always “walked the talk.” I often speak to clients about how mindfulness helps emotion regulation, stress reduction, relationship satisfaction, empathy, and emotional reactivity (key for parents!), but it took me more than six years to build a semi-regular practice of it. However, once the twins were born, like most parents, my self-care moved to the back burner, and I could not find the time for anything! Luckily, I knew of several mindfulness programs that would help get me back on track. I began Jon Kabat-Zinn’s eight week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course, which has much research backing its effectiveness (free here: Free Online MBSR Course - happiness.com Academy). Practicing as if it were the most important thing I could do for myself and my family, I dedicated a full thirty to forty minutes daily to the program. In order to maintain it as a long-term habit, I’ve changed the practice to fit my daily life. I now do a shorter ten-minute meditation once in the morning, and once when the kids are asleep (I use the 10% Happier app). My partner commented on how I was more patient and supportive. I find what they say to be true: taking time for calming and settling in a mindful practice helps you to be less scattered, and more available for your children.
The formal sitting practice helps train a way of showing up in the world, which is the most important element. We are practicing a patient and non-judgmental attitude, which strengthens that muscle for when we need it most with our kids and our partners. Mindfulness is really just a way of being: the awareness of, and presence with, what is actually happening in this moment. Since this way of being is the goal, I coach many Moms to be present and aware of sensations while showering, washing dishes, or taking the kids for a walk. I highly recommend reading about the research outcomes from a study performed on parents and their children (Can Mindfulness Help Parents and Preteens Have Better…).
As you can see from my story, making time for self-care takes a lot of commitment, experimentation, failures, and new beginnings, yet it is essential for managing stress. Simply the act of taking ten minutes away from everything is helpful (tasks and people alike!). There are many other ways to manage stress with time-outs. You are not alone if the idea of meditation feels daunting at first!
Firstly, breaks away from the children and family are essential. It can be either a planned break away from the children or a time you step out of the room when you’re starting to feel overwhelmed with frustration or anger. Also important in coping with stress is sleep: try a sleep routine before bed that is free of technology and away your calendar and the constant messaging. This helps you relax and take your mind away from the fast-paced stresses of the day.
The last time-outs I will describe come from my couples therapy work. Research shows that 70% of relationships experience a decrease in marital satisfaction after a baby. There are two simple examples of time-outs necessary for getting back on track with your relationship, post-baby: 1) date nights and 2) leaving the room when a conflict escalates (when your pulse goes over 95 bpm). The Gottmans’ research demonstrates that these acts will improve the couple’s sex-life and constructive conflict, respectively.
I’ll go further into detail on the third example of a time-out for the couple relationship that has been proven to make partnerships last. The Gottmans call it “The Stress Reducing Conversation.” This is a conversation you have with your partner about an external stress (a neutral topic unrelated to the relationship). It is quite simple, theoretically. The next time you notice your partner needs to vent, try this: show genuine interest, empathize, and ask questions. Say something like “Gee, what a crap situation and a jerk boss; I’d be mad too!” Follow up with, “What’s the worst part of this for you? Is there anything I can do to support you in this?” Essentially, show them that you are 100% on their team. Hold off on offering advice another perspective/opinion unless they ask for it. You can also ask your partner for support like this, too: “I just need to vent about something stressful that happened today. I don’t need advice, but could you listen to me for a minute so I can get some understanding?” If you can tell your partner exactly what you are looking for in a conversation, it empowers them to be more effective, and maybe they could actually provide it!
According to the most recent New York Times Parenting column, the pandemic is a “Mental Health Crisis,” so let’s take our mental health seriously. We need to recognize that the pressures are enormous, so of course we are going to have symptoms, and we need to respond appropriately and address those issues. Take care of yourselves!
Jennelle Liljestrand
Jennelle Liljestrand, LICSW, HP-psych, CPCJennelle is a Psychotherapist and Coach for Expats in Munich like herself. She completed her training in Clinical Social Work and Professional Coaching in Boston before moving to Munich with her partner in 2014. Now a mother of twin girls she works with many new parents, providing not only individual therapy, but couples therapy. Her life’s work is to help people improve their quality of life and build healthier habits and relationships.