Where Did I Go?

by Lisa Davidson

I always knew what I wanted and where I wanted to go. I wanted to become a writer, wanted to experience life in the US, wanted to be married by age 21. I missed my last goal by three days, which didn’t blur the happy occasion.

I was lucky to find a man like my husband so early in life. I knew what I had in him from the second I met him, and I swore myself to work hard to keep us happy. Therefore, my next goal became to be the perfect wife.

My life was revolving around his. Studies, job and friends were secondary. Never because he said so, but because I decided that’s how it should be.

Keeping up with this idea wasn’t hard in the beginning. Almost like a hobby, I tried to find new ways to surprise him and make his life easier. But the longer we were married, the more stressful it became to keep up and excel my own accomplishments. Even more concerning to me, my husband started to take my hard work for granted, because it wasn’t anything special anymore.

Competing with myself put me under constant pressure, while my husband’s unintentional ignorance frustrated me. His behavior left me upset, and at the same time he didn’t understand the reason for my unhappiness.

A couple years after we had our children, an acquaintance asked me what I liked to do for myself. I couldn’t give her an answer. All these years of chasing an impossible image made me forget what I used to enjoy, made me forget about who I really was behind the facade.

What had happened to my goals, my dreams? The ones besides having a happy marriage and family.

I started to think of my daughters and it scared me to see how I had lost myself, unable to remember who I used to be. I was afraid this could ever happen to them, and it made me realize that I needed to change something. To find my own happiness, to become a better mom, and to be a better example for them.

You can’t find your own happiness living someone else’s life. Happiness means being yourself while others accept you for who you are. Where else should that be possible than in your own family?

I will teach my daughters to always be true to themselves and never forget who they are – no matter how hard it is or who they want to please. As parents, we hope our children to learn from our mistakes. Most of the time that won’t work – everyone needs to make their own mistakes to learn a lesson. I just hope I give them the best example possible.

 

 

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Lisa Davidson, mother of two energetic and drama-prone little divas, aged 2 and 4, studied Journalism in Munich and spent most of her time before having children writing for various publishers and travelling the world. After multiple moves inside and outside Germany, her latest pit-stop brought her to Texas, far from home but not from her heart. Now the days contain less scribbling in journals, but instead accomplishing tricky toddler crafts from Pinterest, less strolling in high heels through European metropolises, but instead trying to connect her daughters to her own culture. She is a busy mommy who knows how hard it can be to be far away from old friends and family, and she wants to help fellow moms to stay always true to themselves – no matter how stressful life can be or where their journey might take them.

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